Elements of Desire: Love
Today, we're excited to bring the first of the four Elements of Desire: Love.
According to sex and intimacy coach Finn Deerhart, creator of the Elements of Desire:
At times, we may move into our heads during sex, away from our bodies. In these moments, in order to continue, we depend on fantasies, outside validation, programmed images of sexiness, objectification, and goal oriented sex.
Male sexuality is often reduced and over simplified as a biological imperative to spread seed or to “get off.” This explanation does not acknowledge the relational components that are, the foundation, the underlying motivators for sex. The very nature of gay sex is antithetical to the biological model alone, because it is rooted in identity, a social construct. At the same time, as men, we often lack a vocabulary to describe our experiences of ourselves emotionally, sexually, and otherwise.
We may lean into routines, our “winning formulas,” compartmentalization, or even blaming our partners for a sense of boredom that we encounter. We may think that great sex is circumstantial-- and ideal body, an exciting setting, a fantasy realized. This all feels really great! It’s still sex. But it’s limiting sex. When we begin to let go of our conditioned templates, we access our innate senses of Eroticism. To begin this process, we notice inhibitions and consciously investigate them as routes to healing, and ultimately, ecstasy.
In our imaginations, sex and intimacy are often separate. However, sex, itself, is one of the most intimate expressions of our humanity--whether with a life partner, a total stranger, or anyone in between. The division that we perceive between intimacy and sex is not as much in what we do, as it is in how we imagine what we are doing.
In the Elements of Desire, each Element emphasizes a specific set of skills that build upon each other and can be experienced in layers. These skills are useful in creating an interpretive framework around what sex means to us, personally. Think of practicing these Elements like playing scales so that you can then play chords, so that you can compose beautiful music that emanates from the core of your being.
Concept created by Finn Deerhart: http://www.finndeerhart.com