About Finn Deerhart: Finn is a sex educator and coach from San Francisco who brings 14 years combined experience in spiritual counseling, study of social anthropology, wellness coaching, and personal development. Learn more at finndeerhart.com or sexcrafting.com.
Ask yourself: What is one aspect of sex that makes it so hot for you?
You might think of a certain “scene,” or sexy places on the male body, a favorite position, a role that you like to be in, or any other association that you might have about sex.
We tend to feel the most alive during sex when any assortment of these favorite aspects are present.
Maybe a particular guy’s anatomy drives us wild. Perhaps our enactment of taboo fantasy feels liberating and spiritually fulfilling. Sometimes our sex can be so electric that it actually becomes a peak experience, a place within our minds to which we return for years to come when we want to feel turned on and alive. We might think that everything randomly lined up so perfectly, in just such a way, that a given experience just so happened to be mind blowing and ecstatic. We might think that it has everything to do with how hot the other guy was, how hot it was to be handled in a specific way. We might think that we just got lucky and that these kinds of moments are few and far between along our sexual journeys.
Actually, we hold the keys to create more and more of these peak experiences. With practice, we can have increasingly hotter sex, more authenticity, and even surging confidence.
Beneath the symbolic surface of sexy bodies, lusty sounds, and thrusts of pleasure, we are swimming in the mythic underworld of our fantasies, shadows and emotional vulnerabilities. When we have an explosively hot sexual encounter, we are on one hand, experiencing a list of our favorite sexual attributes. On the other, less noticed hand, we are actually experiencing our own selves in such an honest and uninhibited way, that we feel truly “seen.”
Pieces of us that had been secretly waiting inside our psyches, for maybe even a lifetime, come alive and have our full attention (and hopefully the attention of the other parties involved). We let our deepest wounds be touched. In these moments, what we may fear to be known about our desire is openly expressed into the sexual space before us. When we let our inhibitions fall away, we feel the exuberance of our bodies, sensations and emotions.
Often we get used to relying on alcohol or drugs to lose our inhibitions, which is a strategy that can, indeed, help us lose our controls enough to experience pleasure. However, when we are dependent upon those tools to get to personal freedom, we miss out on an incredible amount of pleasure that comes when we learn to master expressing ourselves sexually with nothing but our own hearts and bodies.
Our minds contain a never ending stream of subconscious sexual data that will find its way into our horny pursuits throughout our lifetimes. We can turn our attention inward and consciously work at freeing ourselves more and more. Our sex becomes explosive. Our confidence in ourselves swells. We tap into a healing process around the shame we have likely inherited from our cultures, families and churches.
Just because apps allow us to find anything we want within seconds and a few steps away doesn’t necessarily mean we are free on the inside while we’re doing the lusty activities that we love.
I became aware of this in dynamic within myself, between freedom and inhibition, in a surprising way. I have loved sucking dick for as long as I have been sexually active. I have sucked a lot of them and pride myself in my mouth’s ability to communicate deeply held desire to worship a man in this way.
I never really noticed the impact of my sexual shame until I began dating my partner. From the moment that we began dating, I was so attracted to him physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had never experienced being “seen” in all the ways that he noticed me.
One day, as I looked up at my gorgeous boyfriend, sucking his beautiful cock and loving it beyond description, I was interrupted with the feeling of terror. I couldn’t continue to let him in. My mouth was still working it, but my inner child was fleeing the scene.
My thoughts in that moment were cruel, trying to convince me that I was undeserving, not fit for his desire. I felt shame for wanting his dick so bad. I was afraid of being so fucking gay, because, truthfully, I AM so fucking gay. My life’s struggles and pains around coming into my erotic fullness as a ecstatically gay man had hijacked my sexy present moment.
It was a powerful awakening for me, because that moment led me to get into therapy, and I began to fully address residual childhood issues around sex shame and spirit. Ultimately, it was an initiation into my present work as a sex and intimacy coach and a life-path of conscious sexual exploration. I began examining many of my personal inhibitions, challenging them, and creating ways to free them. My sex has been evolving and expanding rapidly ever since.
Even though shame can be a heavy reality, and inhibitions can feel insurmountable at times, it is actually super easy and fun to start working on personal liberation! All you need is a mirror and a camera.
Often when we look to porn to stimulate us, our subconscious is actually asking for an expression of itself. We may be completely unaware of the ask. We might think that we are merely interested in getting turned on. While this is true, we are also wanting to personally experience a part of ourselves. Maybe a part of ourselves that relates to surrender or dominance is beneath the surface. Maybe we need to feel rebellious because we have been working constantly and desperately need to make a reckless, spontaneous decision. Whatever the impetus, we let the erotic overtake us, and we watch other men on our screens and devices as they do what we are craving for our own selves.
When we feel these urges to dive into porn and shoot our loads, we can experience these moments in multiple ways. We might devour some throttling imagery and rev our arousal into high gear. We might fool around with our dicks for a while, flipping screens, and, eventually, bore of what’s happening. If we want to dig a little deeper into the process, we can actually use these moments to uncover personal inhibitions and play with them.
Try to identify what it is specifically that turns you about what you are watching. Notice if you are identifying with any particular character in the scene. Try on all the different roles that you are witnessing. Whatever you are watching, tune into the sounds, movements, expressions and energies that you are drawn to. Next, bring your attention to your own reflection in a mirror, or set up your camera to video yourself roleplaying with only your imagination to fuel you. Try and bring the imagery you were seeking in your mind down into your body. Notice if it’s difficult for you to accept your own desire without an external stimulus. Anything that you uncover in this exercise is useful information, because it gives you clues to what might be holding you back sometimes during sex. Maybe you have trouble accepting your body. Maybe when watching someone else perform, you are turned on because it’s a part of you that is difficult for you to express. There really is no limit to what you can learn by practicing getting turned on in this way, because, ultimately, everyone’s story is different and demands different points of exploration. The key here is to be open to your full experience.
When I began playing with myself in this way, I would aspect a very dominant role, talking dirty to myself in the mirror. Then I’d explore deep submissive energies within me. I’d laugh at myself sometimes, impossibly resistant to believe some of the roles I was entertaining. I recorded myself again and again, noticing how inauthentic some of my expressions were, but also how deeply honest I could be when I fully let go. I practiced feeling the energy in my body. I practiced finding exactly my own unique strengths and rough edges. I got better and better at getting out of my own way so that I could let myself be honestly seen. Sometimes I would share videos with my boyfriend, and at others, I kept them for myself. Over time, I noticed how powerfully helpful this exercise was in aspecting parts of my sexuality with my partner. Where I had previously held fear and inhibition, I began exploring more boldly with him. I let him see into places that I used to guard fiercely. The quality of sensation in my body and cock was also greater as I learned to focus more on my feelings and less on visual imagery.
I am confident that you will have fun with this exercise! Practice everything from your trusted “go-to’s” all the way to the most guarded parts of yourself. It is sexual drama therapy! As you uncover more and more of your own personal power, you will be able to actively create more peak sexual experiences. You will enjoy hot sex less by circumstance and more by intention. Likely, you might rely less and less on some turn-ons while uncovering new, surprising ones to explore!
Please feel free to reach out to me with questions and/or feedback.
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